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I'm a Loser
Jan. 3rd, 2010 | 07:06 pm
posted by: jsetradio
yo i am going to write some letters this year. if you want me to mail you a letter, comment your address to me. i am screening comments for maximum secrets. i hope you will write me back, but no worries if you can't!
Linkeh | Bitch | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend
Standing in defiance, I choose to still be with those who are fabulous.
Jan. 1st, 2010 | 12:54 am
posted by: redstatelesbian
Once upon a time several years ago, I was truly in love. I had thought before that I loved other people in my life who I had been romantically involved with; I felt that I loved my friends and family, because hey, isn't that the foundation of those relationships?
Well, not really. I hadn't been loving them. Liking, enjoying, appreciating, lusting after, whatever. Not love.
Love is laying awake in the middle of the night when the person you love is sick and being unable to sleep, so you write them a letter to let them know how much you appreciate them (and how happy you are that they're well enough to go outside!) Love is doing things you never thought you would do, both positive and negative, because the person you love needs you to do them. Love is putting on a brave face when you stare down the horrible things in your own life not because you're tough, but because you can't let them worry too. Love is spending your last dime on what you think the person you love will truly enjoy. Love is thinking and doing things for someone not out of obligation but because you have the ability and will. You do these things without ever rubbing it in or making a show of it because that's what people with decency do--they act selfless in the interest of others.
However, the woman I loved didn't love me. She made that very clear to me over and over, and yet I would just keep doubling my commitment in the vain hopes that she would realize that. She never did, and it broke me at a time when I was already pretty fragile.
Yet, the feeling I had whenever she just walked into a room was magical, even if I had part of me hating her guts at the time. Love is an amazing and beautiful feeling and to get even a diluted form of such a powerful drug made me an addict. My withdraw was pretty ugly. My ex would tell me that I said the woman's name in my sleep. I found her popping up in anecdotes I had fond feelings for even when I shouldn't have.
I got involved with other women, but it was like shoving a square peg through a round hole trying to capture a feeling that I couldn't get again, and I felt like a broken person. Like something was wrong with me that I just couldn't fall for anyone. So I did what I always do: I distracted myself. Threw myself into work, into school, into repairing the relationship with my mother. And I did a bang-up job on all three fronts.
So you can only imagine how stunned I was that, when my footing started crumbling underneath me, it was not my family, the people who society claimed would love me, but my friends holding me up, cheering me on, being as horrified as I was. They loved me not because they had any social obligation, but because they sincerely liked me and wanted the best for me in a time when a whole lot of bullshit was flying (for the record, now that I've taken the bullshit by its pooping horns, asses will be kicked. ;) )
I was stunned because, frankly, I'm a shitty friend to have. I'm notoriously bad about calling people. I seemingly never have time to just hang out and shoot the shit with people. I can be condescending at times. So, with this epiphany, I had been making a concerted effort not to be a bad friend. I had been kind of assholish with someone and saw them a week or so later. The conversation went something like this:
Me: Hey, I just want to apologize because I know I was kind of being a jerk when we last spoke, and I totally was not trying to be a jerk.
Her: You were being a jerk? I thought last time was fine.
Me: ...
So what does this mean?
My friends are awesome. I should not only appreciate them but love them because they love me. I should take that frustration I feel about not being able to love someone in a romantic relationship and feel that towards the great people around me because holy shit they're awesome. And I should stop being lazy and just make a phone call every once in a while. Because that's all they want.
So that's my New Year's Resolution. To love the shit out of my friends. <3
Well, not really. I hadn't been loving them. Liking, enjoying, appreciating, lusting after, whatever. Not love.
Love is laying awake in the middle of the night when the person you love is sick and being unable to sleep, so you write them a letter to let them know how much you appreciate them (and how happy you are that they're well enough to go outside!) Love is doing things you never thought you would do, both positive and negative, because the person you love needs you to do them. Love is putting on a brave face when you stare down the horrible things in your own life not because you're tough, but because you can't let them worry too. Love is spending your last dime on what you think the person you love will truly enjoy. Love is thinking and doing things for someone not out of obligation but because you have the ability and will. You do these things without ever rubbing it in or making a show of it because that's what people with decency do--they act selfless in the interest of others.
However, the woman I loved didn't love me. She made that very clear to me over and over, and yet I would just keep doubling my commitment in the vain hopes that she would realize that. She never did, and it broke me at a time when I was already pretty fragile.
Yet, the feeling I had whenever she just walked into a room was magical, even if I had part of me hating her guts at the time. Love is an amazing and beautiful feeling and to get even a diluted form of such a powerful drug made me an addict. My withdraw was pretty ugly. My ex would tell me that I said the woman's name in my sleep. I found her popping up in anecdotes I had fond feelings for even when I shouldn't have.
I got involved with other women, but it was like shoving a square peg through a round hole trying to capture a feeling that I couldn't get again, and I felt like a broken person. Like something was wrong with me that I just couldn't fall for anyone. So I did what I always do: I distracted myself. Threw myself into work, into school, into repairing the relationship with my mother. And I did a bang-up job on all three fronts.
So you can only imagine how stunned I was that, when my footing started crumbling underneath me, it was not my family, the people who society claimed would love me, but my friends holding me up, cheering me on, being as horrified as I was. They loved me not because they had any social obligation, but because they sincerely liked me and wanted the best for me in a time when a whole lot of bullshit was flying (for the record, now that I've taken the bullshit by its pooping horns, asses will be kicked. ;) )
I was stunned because, frankly, I'm a shitty friend to have. I'm notoriously bad about calling people. I seemingly never have time to just hang out and shoot the shit with people. I can be condescending at times. So, with this epiphany, I had been making a concerted effort not to be a bad friend. I had been kind of assholish with someone and saw them a week or so later. The conversation went something like this:
Me: Hey, I just want to apologize because I know I was kind of being a jerk when we last spoke, and I totally was not trying to be a jerk.
Her: You were being a jerk? I thought last time was fine.
Me: ...
So what does this mean?
My friends are awesome. I should not only appreciate them but love them because they love me. I should take that frustration I feel about not being able to love someone in a romantic relationship and feel that towards the great people around me because holy shit they're awesome. And I should stop being lazy and just make a phone call every once in a while. Because that's all they want.
So that's my New Year's Resolution. To love the shit out of my friends. <3